Monday, June 6, 2011

Missing Person's Case? (News & Updates blog post!)

Well, not really. It's nice to be back to my blog. And I'm really sorry there was no explanation as to why I disappeared! Everything took a turn for the worst and I just had a breakdown about everything. My puppy was a ton of unexpected responsibility, but that wasn't what was so bad: I literally was stuck in my room every single day and still sort of am due to her anxiety. I can't leave her alone or she freaks herself out, and we keep trying to just to get her used to it but she has some of the worst separation anxiety cases I've ever seen. She can't handle separation, and worse yet: She can't handle being in cars. She gets car sick to the point of salivating everywhere and throwing up if she eats ANYTHING whatsoever. She'll also use the restroom if she gets too terrified and until we can afford a travel kennel we can't go anything with her in the car. She also tries to escape from the car if you open the door and will severely scratch you if you're sitting next to her, trying to claw her way out quite literally! :O Which is egads! painful~ So this also made life really difficult because my boyfriend was getting rather tired of having to go out alone every time he needed to go somewhere, he just missed me when he was out having to take care of him, plus he had to remember everything we needed while he was out because I couldn't get a hold of him to remind him. And it's hard to pick what you want to eat when you're trying to hurry and at the same time you can't be there to choose what you want when selection varies.
To add to this equation, I then had his 'rents breathing down my throat to clean the house and they have been really shitty towards us both as of lately. I'm not really sure why, but they have both been really cold and cruel as of lately. So every single day it was something else they wanted to bring up or argue about. All of this just led to me thinking somewhere along the lines of: I don't care what I'm eating as long as I'm eating. Plus, I didn't have the time to Food Journal thanks to housebreaking Oogie. I have to go outside all the time to walk her so there's little to no time for anything.
What's surprising about all of this? I somehow managed to not gain back that much weight. Only 5 pounds if that.
So I'm back for good. The reason why? I'm jeopardizing my health and my gender, and that doesn't work for me. So whether I like it or not, I have to do this. So even though I've been gone for 6 weeks, I don't really care because I felt like I was going insane right before I quit, and now I feel like I can think clearly again. If you hold that against me, I really don't give a shit and you can go on your way.
Either way, I'm back and I'll be blogging every day again, and perhaps even adding in new types of posts here and there.

♥ Eerie

P.S. I hope there are still people reading after all this! If you are, internet cookies for you!

Friday, April 22, 2011

Day 33, Week 5: Good Friday?! How about "Fat Friday"? 8D

*damn boyfriend making me feel insecure about the placement of two emoticons one after the other* >D
HAHA! Today was TERRIBLE weather, and even though most of the US recognizes this as "Good Friday", it was also "Earth Day". Dumbasses. >_>;
Anyways, I had planned on going outside and spending the day outside the entire day and not using any electronics, but thanks to Mother Earth it was rainy and storming ALL day, so I couldn't go out. I really wanted to go to Starbucks too because they were doing free coffee for people who brought their own cups or asked for a paper cup! Oh well though, so long tasty free coffee! ;_;
Again, I have no pictures as the puppy is keeping me busy! But her crate did get here today! We didn't know it, but it was actually from PetCo! :O That makes me pretty happy too because I hate Petsmart and I refuse to support them in any way shape or form. I would've hated to find out that I purchased from them. >/ I would've sent it back for a refund. We just ordered her crate on Sunday or Monday too. I will probably post pictures of her and her toys and her new crate. She had her first time in her crate and is gradually getting more comfortable with it! :) OH! And I almost forgot, but she had ABSOLUTELY NO ACCIDENTS IN THE HOUSE TODAY! I'm so proud of her because she is getting better and better and seems to be doing better from when we first met her. The only problem at the moment is that she doesn't seem to understand the word "no" and she has a REALLY bad nipping problem. She didn't nip us when we first got her or when I had to force her into the car by picking her up, but now she has gotten really bad about randomly biting our faces, noses, jawlines, ears, hands, legs, wrists, and our clothes. ; 3 ; It can be really painful or itchy when she does it too, but it isn't aggressive. She just has teeth coming in still, (I think about four), and she hasn't quite figured out that she can't chew on us. She chews on her toys, and her bone, but won't touch the rubber chew toy we bought. However she has a SEVERE problem chewing on my clothes. Not when they aren't on me, but when they ARE on me. My sweaters and jeans in particular and sometimes she gets me through the clothes! >O Not cool. Oh well.

Good god I just babbled forever! Onto my Food Journal for today since I'm so talkative:

Day 33, Week 5
22.04.11. Friday

2:00 AM Snack @ home
♥ a pack of 2 "Wild Berry" pop-tarts (420 calories)

Morning weigh-in: 211.6 lbs.

4:00 PM Lunch @ home
♥ a Lean Cuisine Steamer (frozen meal in a bag) Garlic Chicken w/ pasta and vegetables in alfredo/parmesan sauce (270 calories)
♥ a 13.5 fl. oz. bottle of "Simply Lemonade w/ Raspberry" (180 calories)

Calorie subtotal: 870

9:00 PM Dinner @ home
♥ a Lean Cuisine frozen meal "Cheesy Rigatoni" (350 calories)

Calorie subtotal: 1,220

9:30 PM
♥ 1/2 a bottle of Starbucks Frappucino "Mocha" low-fat drink (170 calories)

Calorie subtotal: 1,390

10:00 PM Snack @ home
♥ 1 Otis Spunkmeyer Chocolate Chip Muffin (individually packaged)(460 calories)

Calorie total: 1,850
Bedtime weigh-in: 213.0 lbs.

NOTES: I forgot to add my calories together BEFORE I ate, rather than after which is where I went astray. >_<; Trying to quit eating junk food is ridiculously hard. :< I forgot to add that I ate another junk food the other night when I ate that bag of Doritos even though they were the "Baked!" kind, they still count as a junk food to me. Remember to count your calories to see what your total will be BEFORE you eat something! I even forgot to look at the calories on the back of the package because I had a stupid moment. I really, really need to quit eating so much but I guess I'm so distracted since I'm taking Oogie out every 2 hours from the time we wake up until the time we go to bed! It's really distracting when you are walking around that often because the time walking her around is anywhere from 15 minutes to 45 depending on how she is acting. So I'm really out of it calorie-counting and exercising. I guess I should focus more on trying not to eat junk food rather than calorie counting or exercising for now since I'm too god damn busy right now. >_<;

I'm sorry for no pictures again! When you start messing with something, Oogie immediately pays attention to you, so it's difficult to do anything with my hands right now without catching her attention and then feeling her wrath when she tries to chew on whatever is in my hand! No digital camera for you, Oogie!
I will try to get back to taking pictures of what I eat, but it's been very grab and go with my food lately because of how busy my puppy keeps me!
Sweet dreams, bloggers!

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Day 32, Week 5: Thursday, Thursday, Thursday...

Thursday's are never really interesting around here.
Really though! There isn't anything to do and my puppy's crate wasn't here yet so there really wasn't anything to do, and nothing we could do since my puppy has such bad separation anxiety that we had began sending one of us to run errands and the other has to watch puppy and keep her company. Poor baby. I'm not sure what we're going to do with her. :(
The only thing really special was that today was Robert Smith's birthday! (He turned 52 today.) I love The Cure and I'm pretty thankful Mr. Smith was born or else there would be no "disintegration", and I love that album! Happy Birthday Robert Smith! My boyfriend is a HUGE Cure fan. And I mean HUGE. His love for them introduced me to them back in 2007/2008, and I didn't really enjoy them until 2009. But man do I really love them. It's all thanks to the boyfriend though! We both celebrated by wearing messy make-up. XD I wore messy red lipstick and the boyfriend wore messy black eyeshadow. It was very, very silly.

A photo of Robert Smith of The Cure, who's birthday it is today! Not sure where we found this photo or who credit belongs to. But if you know, let me know! XD

Onto my Food Journal, since I've babbled beyond belief:

Day 32, Week 5
21.04.11. Thursday

2:00 AM Snack @ home
♥ pack of 2 "Wild Berry" pop-tarts (420 calories)

Morning weigh-in: 212.0 lbs.

4:30 PM Dinner @ Chipotle
♥ a barbacoa fajita burrito bowl w/ cheese and sour cream (about 540 calories)

Calorie subtotal: 960

9:00 PM Snack @ home
♥ a pack of 2 "Ice Cream Sandwich" pop-tarts (380 calories)

Calorie subtotal: 1,340

10:15 PM Snack @ home
♥ 1 1 and 3/8 oz. bag of Baked! Doritos Nacho Cheese (170 calories)
♥ 3/4 a 13.5 fl. oz. bottle of "Simply Limeade" (about 142)

Calorie subtotal: 1,652
Bedtime weigh-in: 212.0 lbs.

NOTES: I went over calorie today by quite a bit, (even over the daily limit!), but I don't really care because today was a kinda shitty day. Oh well!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

The reasons why I am trying to lose weight.

I think that when we start to find ourselves about to give up, not for a lack of willpower, but more for a lack of being tired, which so often happens very easily nowadays, it is really good to use positive enforcement. Since I have lost 10 pounds, I am feeling pretty negative towards my dieting/change of lifestyle, and feel like if I make myself see what I am doing positively for myself, I will be less likely to stray from the course. I also felt like you guys should know why I am trying to lose weight, not because I've had negative comments that revolve around me trying to lose weight because of "society's view on being overweight/obesity" (not that I've had them! I'm actually surprised that everything has been pretty positive!), but because I feel that you, the reader, should know what is fueling a sudden quest for weight loss when I've been overweight most of my life. So here goes:

I have been overweight since I was 12-13. I was chubby when I entered puberty, and it seems that my appetite grew bigger the bigger I got. I don't remember the last time I was an appropriate weight. I was underweight and unhealthy when I was 8 and went for a check-up to a doctor, because my mother was eating vegan/vegetarian for her figure and never had time to cook a meal, thus leaving me eating lots of vegan/vegetarian meals that were frozen. She did not realize how to however add protein in a diet to make-up for it and I had so little protein in my diet the doctor was worried about how I was able to play. I had been very exhausted and had health problems due to low-protein levels. Then my mother met a new guy, and eventually we moved in with him, and he ate home-cooked high-in-fat meals. He was a strictly meat and potatoes guy who enforced a rule not to "pick" at your food because he knew what it was like to go without. They eventually married and I had to curb my attitude because I was a very picky eater and it got me into so much trouble with my step-dad that I was sick of the arguing and how upset he got over it that I eventually stopped being picky and ate anything and everything. I gained a lot of weight whilst living under their roof. I went from 97 pounds or so when I was 8 to weighing 180 by my 7th grade year. (I was 14.) By the time I entered high school I was pushing 200 pounds and continued to gain weight. When I dropped out it got worse. I was so depressed that I began to go anywhere between the latter part of 190 pounds to 210 pounds. I also began going through eating disorders and fad diets that absolutely DID not work. I tried anything and everything after a big break-up that left me feeling pretty low about my image. I was told I had body dysmorphia by a psychiatrist who did not diagnose me but said that the image I was seeing was in fact not reality and that I looked nothing like the obese monster I saw in the mirror. I was not as bad as I thought. But after moving out of my parent's house and in with my then friend, now boyfriend, I stopped fad dieting and having eating disorders (particularly bulimia). I grew to like myself...but in the bad way. I had no want or will to change and found myself with quite the dilemma. I went up to 225 pounds by the next Christmas due to stress from my family and just eating a LOT. I ate double what I used to in an attempt to be happy with myself. I started having more problems with my knees and lower back and suddenly remembered- I had been told I had the bad genes in my family as the first child, and my weight was worsening the condition I was told that I would encounter as I gained more weight. I was told by a physician when I was 9 and then again when I was 13 that the bad knees my grandfather had was hereditary and that I would have osteoporosis that would worsen with weight and probably had premature osteoporosis from being a first-born. I have gone back and forth between 200 and 230 pounds in the past 3 years, lacking any willpower to face and fix my problem. I am a fat kid at heart. I legitimately enjoy food, I don't just eat it. On top of all of this, I also found out that because I was the first born child in my family, I am more likely to have Diabetes and IBS. I don't know my father's family history as I have no contact with that side of my family. So I am basically taking a risk being overweight to all sorts of health complications.

So, here's the summary of reasons why I am trying to lose weight/change my diet:

1. I am putting myself in danger of ruining my knees and muscle tissue in general by being overweight and my bones and muscles having to support my weight.

2. I am also at risk for Diabetes and IBS, and put myself in danger of other health complications by being overweight. I also am taking a huge risk because I know none of the health problems on the other side of my family.

3. I cannot and have not ever been able to enjoy clothes shopping because of my weight. It has been difficult to find stylish clothes in my size and I would love to be more stylish, but cannot because of my weight.

4. I will not be able to get chest surgery at the weight I am at currently/I do not want "dog ears" or flaps after my chest surgery as it would affect my self-esteem greatly.

5. I will not be able to start "T" or testosterone or hormone replacement therapy because my weight will redistribute in ways that will make me unhappy about my appearance. The fat on my thighs and hips will redistribute to my stomach where I already have a lot of fat and that will leave me at an even higher risk for heart problems. Fat always, without fail, redistributes during hormone replacement therapy.

6. I enjoy tattoos and body modifications, but tattoos are impossible because of stretch marks and I do not plan on being this weight for the rest of my life, therefore my tattoo plans and/or body modification plans are being put on hold until my skin returns to normal so that I do not have shrunken or stretched tattoos. I have been limiting myself for years now, even though I would love to do more that involves body modification, because I know what happens when you lose weight. I want tattoos on the inside of my arms, but I know that I don't want what happens to tattoos when people under go losing and gaining weight to happen to the ink I have intended for my skin.

So now you guys know why I want to lose weight and am trying to lose weight. It's important to understand that I am not one of those people who is trying to lose weight because of "society's perception" on overweight people/obesity. Especially America's perception of these people. I was never influenced by an ideal body weight or shape, but more so by health problems, being transgendered, and plans I have to modify myself.

Sweet dreams!
(And I hope everyone enjoyed this post!)

Day 31, Week 5: I've finally officially lost 10 pounds!

Today was kinda weird. My boyfriend and I are still confined to the house because of Oogie and her separation anxiety. I really don't blame her though because she is just scared that we too will abandon her. She feels sorta worthless, and I find it quite cute. So we take turns staying with her when we need to get something since she also is really easily carsick. We walk her when it's something we can get in town. (We literally took turns eating in Subway the other day to make sure someone was with her. We don't like upsetting her. ; 3 ;)
Anyways, I was confined to the house so my boyfriend could get some air and grab us lunch since we've run out of groceries and haven't been able to shop because we're waiting on her crate to get here. :) That way we can go do simple stuff and try to calm her down and help her get over her separation anxiety. (Don't worry we aren't going to do anything drastic like leave her for a couple hours the first time she is in her crate, we will of course gradually introduce her to it.) So I didn't get to exercise because on top of all this my puppy's coat or fur is so short that she gets cold really easily and it was pretty chilly, too chilly to take her for a long walk.

Onto my Food Journal since I'm sure you guys don't want to hear anymore about my new puppy:

Day 31, Week 5
20.04.11. Wednesday

1:00 PM "Pick-me-up" @ home
♥ a pack of 2 "Wild Berry" pop-tarts (420 calories)

4:00 PM Lunch from PANDA (a local Chinese Restaurant)
♥ 2 spring rolls (about 400 calories)

Calorie subtotal: 820

5:00 PM
♥ 7/8 a bottle of Powerade (175 calories)

Calorie subtotal: 995

8:00 PM Dinner @ home
♥ a Lean Cuisine "Garlic Chicken" frozen meal (170 calories)
♥ a small bottle of Coke or Coca-Cola (130 calories after my boyfriend stole a sip)

Calorie subtotal: 1,295

9:00 PM Snack @ home
♥ 2 Hostess small/mini powdered donuts (120 calories)

Calorie total: 1,425
Bedtime weigh-in: 212.2 lbs.

NOTES: I went slightly over my calorie goal, had my 2nd soda (*tsk tsk*), and had my last "junk food" for the week. The soda wasn't my fault though since my boyfriend had to run to the grocery store last minute and he forgot to pick up anything to drink because the store was minutes from closing, so I had to drink what we had in the fridge and that was mini-Cokes. On the plus side, this morning I weighed in at exactly 10 lbs. less than when I first started my Food Journal and this is a MAJOR accomplishment. Although I'm really happy about it, I feel frustrated and slightly overwhelmed over small things like, how long it took me to get to this point even though I'm changing my eating habits and that isn't easy and I didn't plan on eating healthy the day I decided to make a major diet change. And the fact that my pants that I just recently bought in February really no longer fit whatsoever and I can't find a belt to fit my waist size yet in stores, but I really need one to hold up my pants. I might instead opt for wide ribbon and tie my pants on the good ol' ghetto fashioned way. I'm not sure why, but I find myself so easily depressed and overwhelmed at this point in my quest. I legitimately think this is the point where your mind plays tricks on you and you begin to secretly devalue your new way of life. But like Dumbledore says, "we must make the choice between what is right and what is easy", and this by no means is easy.

Again, I'm sorry for the lack of photos but it's thanks to having a new puppy and trying to help her adjust to her new setting/surrounding.
I hope you guys are happy I'm back to posting every day/still reading even though I disappeared for a little bit there!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

A photo post of Oogie, the newest member of our family and my boyfriend and I's puppy.

I just wanted to post a couple photos that my boyfriend has taken of Oogie since I've posted one already and figured you guys would like to know more about her and be kind of updated since I keep updating about her, here and there.

A photo of Oogie, taken by my boyfriend who can be found on dA or Deviantart at: here.

If you didn't read about her: here's her story.
Oogie as she's come to be known by us, at 2 months old was rescued by a woman who took a drastic measure after coming to get some lumber from an Amish man that she'd been getting her lumber from for a couple of years. She and her 3 other siblings were being starved by the man, in hope's that they would die from starvation after breeding their mother and father carelessly and then realizing that he did not want them and could not sell them because he is Amish. Her mother and father were a Catahoula and a Blue Heeler, respectively. They were in poor condition when this woman put her life in danger not knowing what diseases they might have had to take them into her home and pay for them until she could find homes for them. She gave them vaccinations and kept them in a barn since she herself breeds animals and did not have the room for them in the house as she is a loving pet owner of quite a few dogs herself. Little Oogie nipped her when she picked her up, being the only one who did, probably terrified that this woman was going to hurt her and scared of being separated from her mother and father. Anyhow, 4 months later, the puppies are perfectly healthy, and just this past Friday, Oogie's last sibling was sold, leaving her with no home just yet. We were told both of them were still available when we contacted the woman at the beginning of the week, asking her to hold at least the female so we could meet her and decide if she was the puppy meant for us because we had been looking for a puppy, just as fate would have it. We went to meet Oogie an hour's drive away and fell in love with her calm demeanor and her skittish behavior. She was really scared when we took her home, so scared that she pooped in the car on the seat and sat up against me because she hadn't been in a car since she was a puppy. Since then, she has been living with us, adapting to life as we find out her every little quirk. She has been nothing but good since she got her. She's still scared here and there, but she's really warmed up to the two of us since then. It's hard to think someone would try to starve her to death. Especially since she seems to try so hard to be a good dog to us. She has her fair share of problems, but every puppy does at 6 months old, and I couldn't be happier to give a dog a second chance when I know if we hadn't taken her in, then I'm not sure who would've. She tries to make sure what she does is okay with us. And she has a tendency to jump up on you, but again, most puppies do that. I love having her as a part of my life, even if she is a huge responsibility, because I feel like she's just like me in a lot of ways. She isn't perfect, but no puppy is. They learn just like babies do.

Another photo of Oogie, also taken by my boyfriend and posted with his permission. She likes getting attention from us even when we are walking around on the leash, showing a major need for affection just like any other living creature.

The moral of the story? If you give your heart to a rescue animal, you will find a lifelong companion who truly is grateful for your compassion because they always remember a time when they weren't fed and didn't receive love. All animals will enjoy affection, but they seem to reflect a somewhat deep desire to show you their gratitude, and not every rescue animal is defective. They are animals like any other. Living, breathing creatures who want to be loved and love in return.

Day 30, Week 5: If you should make a mistake, always remember there is tomorrow.

Most people don't have to write a Food Journal entry and then blog it, but I do. It seems to be a way to help me stay on track and focused, even if it's not for everyone. I even recommend doing both even if it's a private blog or LJ, because you never know when you are going to lose or possibly majorly damage the hand-written copy and it's always good to have a back-up plan. I also have to apologize today because I forgot to take pictures AGAIN and haven't been because I got so behind on my blog. I don't know what happened, but I guess it was just the sudden stress going on in our household and a combination of that and trying to do some major "Spring Cleaning"/"Puppy Proofing" at the last minute. I still have acres of work to do, and I know that I can get back focused to blogging in a timely matter and taking photos for my blog. So I'm sorry if all my posts have been wordy and not interesting since I have no photos. I still have a make-up nail polish review post, and I feel really bad about it, but for tonight, it'll have to wait until next weekend and I will HAVE to do 2 back to back posts. Speaking of which: I'll be switching to doing "Manicure/Meatless Mondays". So that means two posts on Mondays with photos and that are much more interesting than my boring day-to-day and I'll also be switching back to posting every day. As in, I will post after midnight to make sure that everyone can see what my day of eating was like, etc. Onto my Food Journal to make sure that I don't bore everyone to death:

Day 29, Week 5
19.04.11. Tuesday

1:30 PM "Pick-me-up" @ home
♥ 25 Reese's Pieces (about 95 calories)

2:15 PM Lunch @ SUBWAY
♥ a 6-inch "Veggie Delite" on wheat, w/ two white American cheese triangles, a normal serving of mayo, and salt & pepper (about 380 calories)

Calorie subtotal: 475

8:00 PM Dinner @ home
♥ 2 Lean Pockets Meatballs and Mozzarella (580 calories)
♥ 1 20 fl. oz. bottle of Mountain Dew (290 calories)

Calorie subtotal: 1,345

9:00 PM Snack @ home
♥ a pack (2 pop-tarts) of "Wild Berry" pop-tarts (420 calories)

Calorie total: 1,765
Bedtime weigh-in: 212.6 lbs.

NOTES: I went over calorie a bit because I ate a pack of pop-tarts, and I probably could've avoided that if I had only 1 instead of 2 pop-tarts. Or even a half of a pop-tart to make sure I watch my calories. I calculated AFTER I ate it, not before, which was a VERY stupid idea. You should "subtotal" your calories all day. I'm starting to be able to count calories in my head which is great, when I don't forget to before I eat. Oh well. I just have to watch my calorie intake more. I also had the 2nd junk food for the week and had my only soda for the week today.