Wednesday, April 20, 2011

The reasons why I am trying to lose weight.

I think that when we start to find ourselves about to give up, not for a lack of willpower, but more for a lack of being tired, which so often happens very easily nowadays, it is really good to use positive enforcement. Since I have lost 10 pounds, I am feeling pretty negative towards my dieting/change of lifestyle, and feel like if I make myself see what I am doing positively for myself, I will be less likely to stray from the course. I also felt like you guys should know why I am trying to lose weight, not because I've had negative comments that revolve around me trying to lose weight because of "society's view on being overweight/obesity" (not that I've had them! I'm actually surprised that everything has been pretty positive!), but because I feel that you, the reader, should know what is fueling a sudden quest for weight loss when I've been overweight most of my life. So here goes:

I have been overweight since I was 12-13. I was chubby when I entered puberty, and it seems that my appetite grew bigger the bigger I got. I don't remember the last time I was an appropriate weight. I was underweight and unhealthy when I was 8 and went for a check-up to a doctor, because my mother was eating vegan/vegetarian for her figure and never had time to cook a meal, thus leaving me eating lots of vegan/vegetarian meals that were frozen. She did not realize how to however add protein in a diet to make-up for it and I had so little protein in my diet the doctor was worried about how I was able to play. I had been very exhausted and had health problems due to low-protein levels. Then my mother met a new guy, and eventually we moved in with him, and he ate home-cooked high-in-fat meals. He was a strictly meat and potatoes guy who enforced a rule not to "pick" at your food because he knew what it was like to go without. They eventually married and I had to curb my attitude because I was a very picky eater and it got me into so much trouble with my step-dad that I was sick of the arguing and how upset he got over it that I eventually stopped being picky and ate anything and everything. I gained a lot of weight whilst living under their roof. I went from 97 pounds or so when I was 8 to weighing 180 by my 7th grade year. (I was 14.) By the time I entered high school I was pushing 200 pounds and continued to gain weight. When I dropped out it got worse. I was so depressed that I began to go anywhere between the latter part of 190 pounds to 210 pounds. I also began going through eating disorders and fad diets that absolutely DID not work. I tried anything and everything after a big break-up that left me feeling pretty low about my image. I was told I had body dysmorphia by a psychiatrist who did not diagnose me but said that the image I was seeing was in fact not reality and that I looked nothing like the obese monster I saw in the mirror. I was not as bad as I thought. But after moving out of my parent's house and in with my then friend, now boyfriend, I stopped fad dieting and having eating disorders (particularly bulimia). I grew to like myself...but in the bad way. I had no want or will to change and found myself with quite the dilemma. I went up to 225 pounds by the next Christmas due to stress from my family and just eating a LOT. I ate double what I used to in an attempt to be happy with myself. I started having more problems with my knees and lower back and suddenly remembered- I had been told I had the bad genes in my family as the first child, and my weight was worsening the condition I was told that I would encounter as I gained more weight. I was told by a physician when I was 9 and then again when I was 13 that the bad knees my grandfather had was hereditary and that I would have osteoporosis that would worsen with weight and probably had premature osteoporosis from being a first-born. I have gone back and forth between 200 and 230 pounds in the past 3 years, lacking any willpower to face and fix my problem. I am a fat kid at heart. I legitimately enjoy food, I don't just eat it. On top of all of this, I also found out that because I was the first born child in my family, I am more likely to have Diabetes and IBS. I don't know my father's family history as I have no contact with that side of my family. So I am basically taking a risk being overweight to all sorts of health complications.

So, here's the summary of reasons why I am trying to lose weight/change my diet:

1. I am putting myself in danger of ruining my knees and muscle tissue in general by being overweight and my bones and muscles having to support my weight.

2. I am also at risk for Diabetes and IBS, and put myself in danger of other health complications by being overweight. I also am taking a huge risk because I know none of the health problems on the other side of my family.

3. I cannot and have not ever been able to enjoy clothes shopping because of my weight. It has been difficult to find stylish clothes in my size and I would love to be more stylish, but cannot because of my weight.

4. I will not be able to get chest surgery at the weight I am at currently/I do not want "dog ears" or flaps after my chest surgery as it would affect my self-esteem greatly.

5. I will not be able to start "T" or testosterone or hormone replacement therapy because my weight will redistribute in ways that will make me unhappy about my appearance. The fat on my thighs and hips will redistribute to my stomach where I already have a lot of fat and that will leave me at an even higher risk for heart problems. Fat always, without fail, redistributes during hormone replacement therapy.

6. I enjoy tattoos and body modifications, but tattoos are impossible because of stretch marks and I do not plan on being this weight for the rest of my life, therefore my tattoo plans and/or body modification plans are being put on hold until my skin returns to normal so that I do not have shrunken or stretched tattoos. I have been limiting myself for years now, even though I would love to do more that involves body modification, because I know what happens when you lose weight. I want tattoos on the inside of my arms, but I know that I don't want what happens to tattoos when people under go losing and gaining weight to happen to the ink I have intended for my skin.

So now you guys know why I want to lose weight and am trying to lose weight. It's important to understand that I am not one of those people who is trying to lose weight because of "society's perception" on overweight people/obesity. Especially America's perception of these people. I was never influenced by an ideal body weight or shape, but more so by health problems, being transgendered, and plans I have to modify myself.

Sweet dreams!
(And I hope everyone enjoyed this post!)

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